its a strange world

I've been not having the best couple days riding out something of a low and wondering how in the hell im going to survive an entire year on this continent of flesh eating parasites, malaria infested marshes, insane traffic and toilet dwelling bats. today during class i just felt an overwhelming an emptiness and discouraging feeling of "is this it?" and the ever subtle "what the fuck am i doing here?" fortuntely my appreciation of buddhism has left with me with a few mental tricks to play with where i force myself to stop getting ahead of the moment and get centered in the here and now. when you have diarehhea for 12 times a day one tends to doubt their fortitude. however, whenever i asses the here and now i find that everything is actually just fine and despite what my feelings are telling me. good to know though i havent broken down crying in front of the class yet like two other girls have thus far. one girl, very much to her credit though is from south carolina and had never even been on a plane until this trip. im not passing judgement on either one of the girls at all, just something worth noting. in fact, i would argue its harder to cry in front of others than hold it all in. but thats just my view.

after class, in a state of nauseas disillusionment with my failed romanticized version of india deep in mind, i went home and then decided to take a rickshaw to a more western market to go explore. instantly i felt mentally rejuvenated and liberated from any mental conundrum. listening to my ipod overlooking a vast landscape (rare in the claustrophobic atmosphere of Delhi) with hindu cows munching road side garbage i felt liberated. in retrospect, my issues can probably be explained by feeling penned up at the program center and even during the dropoffs. im finding that exploring alone, although not always the most in depth is certainly the most enjoyable. im free to go wherever my will takes me as opposed to on dropoffs i have other people pulling my attention in one way or another while being mentally focused on achieving a predetermined task which of course is interesting but makes me feel as if im on a zip line rather than a jungle vine if that makes any sense.

My expectations of India before arriving here seemed to revolve around the idea that it was wild and chaotic. These are both accurate assessments. however, bizarre may be the most fitting adjective of all. I've already spoken on the striking contrast of India in regards to the developed and...undeveloped...areas. At it's most extreme one gets the impression they have shifted dimensions. its pretty intense. You have people camping out on the sidewalk (manual laborers) who live in makeshift tarp tents with fires going and half naked children wandering around garbage piles with scroungy stray dogs and giant hindu cows and then three feet away you have a fancy sony electronics store or a motorcycle dealership that would fit in at the nicest malls in America. Bizarre.

Yesterday on my rickshaw ride I went to a shopping area just to walk around for a while around 630. Mcdonalds, Sony, Hollywood movies, and KFC have all posted up shop. For once I was actually somewhat happy to see globalization and western culture as I haven't been able to stomach indian food. I walked around for a bit to see what the place was like. The area reminded me a little of the downtown mall in charlottesville, except that it winded around and wasn't straight (more stores less culture as well) and when I came to the end of it there was a nice square with several very fancy resturants and spas (and fancy in India is upscale for anyone's standards, meaning it's very first world). However, right outside of these places there were 10 cows just hanging out. I couldn't help but just start laughing and to compliment this scene were several soldiers with large machine guns. The contrast here makes me feel like parts of India are striving for a western identity but still can't seem to drop old flavors. which is fine but makes for an utterly bizarre scene and vibe.

Imagine going to the upscale shopping center in your neighborhood and seeing a herd of cattle outside the 5 star restaurant accompanied by men with guns....and this is normal...

After a couple pictures of this I went to Mcdonalds. I felt somewhat ridiculous going 14,000 miles or whatever it is only to go to Mcdonalds. but i needed something other than Indian food to hold me over. No beef obviously. only chicken and fish products.

I got 9 piece chicken mcnuggets, fries and a coke for 3.5 dollars...not sure if thats cheaper than in America but it sure seemed like it.

Walking around seeing all these western setups (despite my longing for american food) made me feel contempt for the direction India is heading in or at least trying to head in. Its as if India is attempting to assimilate to our homogenized version of culture. Don't get me wrong. I'm pretty iconoclastic and all for the eradication of outdated tradition, one of my favorite bill hick's quotes is, ""You are the only people alive on the Earth today...All the people that created tradition. created countries, and created rules...Them fuckers are dead...Why don't you create your own world while you still got the chance"

Thats more what I'm getting at. Don't look at rigid conservative religious values for a model on how to live. but it seems that India's solution to not doing that is just the opposite--adopt a western lifestyle...which means look like America. There are people walking around in certain areas such as the mall here better dressed than people at Denison which is saying something.

I hold a pretty radical occidental perspective (big reason i wanted to leave for a year) and so to see a place such as India conform on such a deep level to lifeless, soulless values such consumerism and cultural commodification is disheartening to say the least. I'm probably being way too black and white about this but you get the idea.

I'd like to see something new. A cultural set of values not based on religious conformity or western notions of capitalism and mass consumption. but thats just me. There seems to be many people who want to hold onto those values and to some degree, understandably so. After all, Mcdonalds is nice to have when Indian food is making you gag.

to wrap it back to the title of this. Indian is probably the best place on Earth to witness economic disparity. Like I said, the contrast and nature of extremes is so in your face 24/7. I've seen 5 star establishments that would fit in well in New York's wealthiest neighborhoods and a homeless man sitting naked on the same street surrounded by a shanty town of countless others in poverty. Hunter Thompson really put it best when he said, "its a strange world. Some people get rich and others each shit and die."