Left Behind

"I can't remember, I don't understand

Is it malice that makes you this way?

Carry it with you till someone forgives you

I laugh cause theres nothing to say...

You can't begin to consider the palpable hate in the air when your near

None of us wonder what weather your under, you're making it perfectly clear"

-Corey Taylor

The anti-social protocol. Flare your emotions and let me seethe...Like flipping a burger and watching the blood singe out as you push down on the sacred meat. What the hell am I talking about? Nevermind that go back to your cubicles and punch cards.

....

Earlier today I went to the park and the moment we sat down on a bench we we're flooded with various dudes wanting to sell us shit. This one guy got close to me and we started talking and before I could entirely grasp that his service was cleaning out your ears with a metal needle-like stick he was already doing it. So I got my ears cleaned out in a park in India. No clue how many ears that needle has been in. I'm not sure if it was hygienic but in all honesty I think it was straight because he had been doing it for 15 years and even had pictures of him giving cleanings to dreadlocked westerners with nearly a hundred signed testimonies. I imagine he must sterilize it sometimes...right?

He cleaned them quite well. pulled lots of crud out. I was impressed.

I just got back from a pre-wedding ceremony where the bride and groom (my uncle-ji's nephew) exchanged rings or something and took 12,000 photos while filming the whole boring fiasco while shitty Indian techno music incessantly flooded my freshly cleaned eardrums poisoning whatever tolerance was left in there...

The instant I walked into the room I was reminded how much I hate social functions. People uncomfortably standing around engaging in the most superficial of conversation--of course I have no clue what 99% of what people were talking about here but its reminded me of my own experiences back home. I don't need to have a deep conversation with someone every time I talk to them, I'd rather just laugh and joke around, but when you're tossed into a room with people you've never connected to before and forced to make conversation you're going to be playing emotional ping pong rather than actually connecting...except on those rare occasions...

The ceremony which was really just a photo shoot that couldn't have been more western, which was more weird than disappointing. By the end of the night I felt like I was surrounded by Indian Americans but anytime the idea of communicating with another person crossed my mind I was instantly reminded of where I was and the bridge I didn't feel like crossing between us.

I'm all for crossing bridges. I feel I could make a relatively convincing argument that I'm an adventurous person but when you've had social anxiety disorder along with a slew of other neurotic disfunctions the last thing you want to do is attempt to relate to a 50 year old Indian woman who speaks broken english in a formal environment dominated by foreign customs while soul raping techno music is played at 2 million decibels (0r whatever the appropriate measurement of sound is...take that and then exaggerate it enough to shatter your pupils)

I feel everything around me melting while my sanity crumbles like an empty bag of chips... Is everyone staring at me? Should I be standing here? Should I be sitting like this? Can I eat this? Why do I feel this way? Analyze. Re-analyze the analysis and then counter-point that because I could always be wrong about being wrong and my conception of life is--inner tension--Psychotically psycho-social. Dysfunctionally passive aggressive and internalize rage.

Amazing someone actually likes listening to what I think about because I can't honestly fucking standing it. Thats why I need to write it down and pass it on to you. I fucking hate it all so much. Let go....let go...

Its odd that insecurity and inner security mean different things...Whatever, it wasn't that bad. It was just I was stuck in a room full of people I couldn't relate to in a single way and I'm caught trying to do the normal thing while essentially being mute...I've done this before in America under shittier circumstances so I kept it together, forcing smiles and laughing to cover up whatever feelings were actually going on inside...I laugh a lot if you ever observe me closely...Probably good thing there wasn't any alcohol being served here. Better to confront yourself and get hit with waves of anxiety than mask the issue by drinking.

I find it funny alcohol is such a commonly accepted social practice. Its highly addictive. It turns you into an emotionally out of control lunatic. It kills several hundred thousand people a year when combined with a car in amerika alone. Its the result of millions of broken homes, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and sexual abuse. Think about how often alcohol is involved when someone is raped..On top of that it fucks your liver to shit along with everything else in your body while damaging your brain functions. Being drunk is literally poisoning your physical system. Not to mention that if you take too much you die or you find yourself vomiting for hours on end...

Now, to keep in mind. People who drink, according to a recent study last month actually, live longer than non-drinkers. The theory I guess (I heard this from someone) is that alcohol allows you to relax and become more social thus alleviating various anxieties that overtime are even worse than the liquid drug you avoided chugging to survive. Is that irony?

I don't think alcohol should be illegal. I don't think any drug should be illegal for that matter. I think that people with issues they are incapable of coping with become addicts (thats a vast over-simplification for the record). I don't think that trying drugs and alcohol turns people in addicts. Its the person not the substance. No ones really to blame here. Its just life sucks a lot and if you feel like shit all the time getting wasted is going to make a lot of that seem to go away..

But I do find it both funny and repugnant how acceptable getting drunk is. Obama seems to always go have a beer anytime some minor issue comes up and the media feels compelled to suck his dick over it. I think next time Obama should blow a line of crystal meth when he meets a world leader or take rips off a nitrous tank when the blatantly racist cop makes peace with the minority citizen he assaulted. If the media's purpose has become covering what kind of substance abuse Obama is engaging in we're going to need some variation. Its America. We want it all. More. More. More. Have him eat some magic mushrooms and then meet Ahmadinejad for nuclear peace talks...I wonder how ahmadinejad would react when Obama tells him the walls are breathing...The whole thing is a fucking spectacle anyway. You ever read Confessions of an Economic Hitman? Christians in action. Actually, read this: http://www.addictedtowar.com/atw1a.html The whole thing is online.

"Its not the job of politicians to inform you. Its supposedly the job of the media, but their central concern is to sell you and therefore, they do not want to upset you. Their primary responsibility is not to their listeners, or their readers, or their viewers ,but to the owners, to the stockholders, and its in the interest of the military industrial complex that millions remained uniformed or misinformed."

-From Death Row, Mumia Abu Jamal

“Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed America, your government is in control. Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on the living in the land of freedom. Here you go America - you are free to do what well tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!”

-Bill Hicks

America is the land of the free? At least in India you can drive on both sides of the road...You're not supposed to but its like whose going to complain about that?

Before I thought Buddhism might be the way I used to think about politics the way I think about enlightenment or spirituality--obsessively. It's sort of difficult to become politically motivated when your aims become geared towards transcending human existence and the ego.

I think with shit like Mk-Ultra back in the 60s the CIA got interested in distributing LSD across the country in attempts to run a little social experiment to see what effects an ego-deflating chemical would have on a population...in one case, specifically in terms of political participation. I read this from a couple of books about the political left during the era but I mean, who knows? I'm not a fan of conspiracy theories. I think they distract people from obvious problems. If everyone is busy arguing who committed the terrorist acts on 9/11 (bush, jews, or reptilian humanoids) then the simple stuff like violence only begets violence is overlooked and we stick our metal dick in the middle east.

maybe we should have listened to Kaczynski...no...no we shouldn't have...but thats a fun name drop.

.......

"I'm cold, I'm ugly, I'm always confused by everything..."

Anxiety sucks. I really fucking hate it. "Fucking" and "Hate" aren't strong enough words for how I feel about it. I've gotten through the bulk of it to be honest but tonight just reminded me of what it used to be like in the past and I cringe and feel my teeth wear down to the enamel from the grinding. Humiliation and ineptitude.

I literally feel better writing this stuff down if your confused as to why you're reading about my psychological malcontent instead of peacocks, the taj mahal, and my super dooper trip across the beautiful landscapes of majestic India.

Think of my blog as a form of releasing negative energy. Don't get attached to the things I say or attempt to define my character or perspective with a confining narrative.

I'm 20 years old and I've already been a catholic, an atheist, a buddhist and an amorphous spiritual seeker. And every time I entered into one of those stages I was utterly convinced I knew what the fuck I was talking about. I didn't. I still don't. I think I've broken through to truth a few times but it was fleeting and how can you trust someone who bails on you all the time?

"I only know I know nothing", right?

....Its like you're a raindrop falling and then you hit the ocean and you are released...

"Follow your bliss". I need to read more into the things Joseph Campbell was talking about. Its funny, I never looked at Plato's Allegory of the Cave as an example of the Hero's Journey...Hinduism is really myth based...externalization of the inner quest...Emotions and trials labeled as Gods...

and I sit here asking myself, "what does it really mean to be human?"

I just downloaded DMX's album "Its Dark and Hell is Hot" (yeah, I know, I don't follow music in a linear manner...Next week I'll ask you guys if you have heard of this band called Pantera? They're sick, check them out")

Anyway, I remember reading on someone's facebook status update a quote from a DMX song, "If you truly love something, let it go, it it comes back to you, its yours. If it doesn't it never was."

Youtube doesn't load properly so I just downloaded the album which for some reason works better than streaming..whatever..but yeah thats a good line. Find what you're attached to and let go. If you can learn to disassociate from your emotional compulsions you might just learn something.

at the end of the day, there's so many, they don't know...who we be...

"A lonely life

Where no one understands you

But don't give up

Because the music do

The music do

The music do

Because the music do

And then it's reaching

Inside you

Forever preaching

Fuck you too

Your screams a whisper

Hang on you

Twisted Transistor"

*My purpose in writing this was just to let go. If its any condolence to you who worry, realize that the more hate filled my posts become the more happy I feel since I no longer feel trapped burying it inside.

This post wasn't really all that edgy I don't think...My disclaimer is just me relishing in the enjoyment and fear that comes from explaining myself...