Forts, Dead Bodies and Enlightenment

*This post is a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of my experience. You need to come here to really understand it. Everyone seems to agree on that point, im really not trying to be like, "oh you don't get it" its just my words don't do this justice and every 20 feet im having to re-analyze my life so the only way to get it is to do it, so yeah, take that as you will.*

"You guys outta do a story on me sometime!"

"Why should we do a story on you?"

"Cause I'm so fuckin' good!"

- Full Metal Jacket

I just felt compelled to use that as an opener to this post. Maybe its an attempt to convey I'm losing my humanity or something. Idk I still haven't shot anyone but I'll keep you posted.

...supposed to be funny...After all they call me Private Joker....

Yeah I'll stop this now...

Lets try again..

I'm back and I certainly have some good shit to say with some interesting stories. Been a little mind fuck of a trip, felt like I had egg beaters in my eye sockets at the end of it with some dude gunning the trigger every time we changed location.

Gwalior: We check out a massive fort that overlooks the whole city on a massive hill. Scenic view. Dangling over the edge. You can walk straight up to the ledge. hundred fifty foot drop. As George Carlin said, "I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of falling from heights!" I share the same opinion. I urinate inside one of the rooms in the fort (its India, its all free game), I imagine this was the queens bathroom or a holy shrine...I can hope can't I?...anyway, I look up and there are 20 bats surrounding me about 2 feet from my head. I try to have a relationship with my reactions so I....breathe.......back away....slowly...

So the bats are shitting all over the room anyway don't look at me like I'm a sycophant for pissing there...speaking of which...our group has this fascination...maybe fetish is a better term?...no, too harsh...anyway, our group has a "fascination" with spirit animals and what each spirit animal we would all be. People went around saying things like oh you would be a lion, tiger blah blah because your hair, your facial features and you lick your crotch or some stupid shit like that.

No one said that last one for the record. although, i may have been thinking of it at the time.

I quickly took this opportunity to inform everyone that their attempts of labeling my spirit animal as either a wolf or a moose was wrong...I am clearly a tapeworm...or that parasitic fish that swims up your urethra in the amazon and ejects spiny thorns within your junk releasing millions of eggs and creepy crawlies. Yeah, I'm real warm and cozy like that. Come get close to me. Moose my ass, I'm a leech if anything...or maybe a hamster with festering skin disease...I could push this farther but you know...or maybe you don't? Give it time.

it was a funny convo. im not that emotionally dead don't get the wrong idea i was some grumpy old man. laughter had by all.

We check out these two temples near Gwalior Fort called the mother and daughter in law temples. These things were sick. If you've seen Lord of the Rings the small temple reminded of Minas Trith or however you spell it. Crazy. Pictures says a thousand words so yeah.

one more thing. These temples made me feel like I was in Tomb Raider waiting for a robot to come out and try and kill me....Its depressing my contextual references for 10th century artistic masterpieces are hollywood movies. I'm a conglomeration of cultural ignorance, pity me.

"you can't see california without marlon brando's eyes"

The next stop is Orccha (pronounced OR-CHA) people (including me) said Orca, like the whale...

So whatever. We go there. Rural Area. Palace visit. I felt like an iron worker. Hundred foot drop off, no guard rail, crumbling infrastructure, four foot wide walk way. Feelsscaryman but still feelsgoodman. We chill, a lot of us (12) on this one pillar you have to climb off the beaten path to get to and dangle our feet of the 80 foot ledge and over look the small city for miles. I enjoyed it.

I look down and see a mongoose. Fuck yeah. I'm down with mongooses so its all good. I'd root for the cobra though if I was confronted with such a spectacle.

We walk through the shops after and chill with this really really laid back dude from Goa (now working in Orccha) who sees me go by and invites me to relax with him at his shop and have some tea. Really good guy. Made me want to visit Goa...I haven't decided if I'm going yet. be here now. whatever.

So while were enjoying tea and tobacco we hear some scream and out comes a fluffy dog trotting with a solid chunk of his back missing, like first imagine a firewood log, than imagine taking that much (12 by 6 inches?) out of a dogs back and its like deep too, and really gory. Spine, bone, blood and veins all exposed. Shit.

This was fucked. It look like someone took an ax to him or something. He was still trotting though like no big deal so I imagine it was from a fight that just occurred with some other animal and he was in shock. If the blood loss didn't kill him, infection no doubt will.

That was a little much.

Needles tear the skin.

We visit a temple overlooking the city and the palace we just visited. A wily old flute player provides us with a hobbit-esque atmosphere (I'm stuck on lord of the rings, man) . I sit on a bench and watch the sunset. i recall being very uncomfortable despite the serenity around me. im used to it. so be here now..

I swim in the hotel pool under the stars. I think of nothing but animals coming up from the black water to gnaw my legs off.

Prosthetics and over exaggeration.

We leave and stop at Datia for a few hours and see a palace. Reminiscent of an M.C. Esher drawing. I'll steal someone else's pics when they post them and put it on here to show what I mean. Its not that crazy, but I was lost in a very small place for quite sometime. Back around and up again. Confusing.

Time for Khajuraho....The Karma Sutra temples...This place...where to begin...

These are the temples from the 10th/11 century where they have tons of figurines carved into the temples doing some pretty vile sexual acts. Its awesome, hilarious, and interesting. The cross section of art, religion, and sex. Interesting. Rarely seen as pointed out by some of my fellow group members. good point. sex as virtue because its seen as ego transcending experience bringing you closer to unity. yin and yang, right?

I'm going to be explicit about this because this is exactly what the purpose of going to this place is. Sex isn't supposed to be some in the dark, evil act, in fact, its actually totally normal, believe it or not. I think we just live in a prude and neurotic society poisoned by the filth of christian values . Realize the cultural norms you experience are fucking relative. what's normal for you is weird for others and vice versa and to be honest i think a celebration of the body and hardcore sex is a good thing. This cultural felt sex and the body are not things to be ashamed of but rather embraced which is why they plastered the images all over the temple. sex as holy.

This place is incredibly famous and a must see for art historians..so its not some half assed building constructed by a pervert. Its an artistic masterpiece and often referred to as one of the "must see" places in India by all the guide books.

Some of my favorite statue poses between people and other people...and i say between people and people for a reason...

1.) A dude banging a chick while she is upside down and he's holding her legs while others watch.

2.) A girl giving head and taking it from behind at the same time

3.) Two guys ejaculating on a girl

Some of my favorite animal and people ones...yeah theres that too here....

1.) A horse banging a girl

2.) A guy banging a horse (Mr. hands's idle?)

and my personal favorite: a elephant inserting its trunk into a voluptuous young woman's vagina.

...the history of beastiality magnified on a grand scale, how eloquent...

START OF RANT (skip to END RANT if you're not interested)

This place is important and I'm starting to really understand why after writing this...and not just for the artistic elements which ill get into after this little rant, or maybe not...Seeing this shit makes us uncomfortable because we live in a protected and sheltered little world where the reality of life is diluted due to Cultural programming which tells you what is and isn't okay.

be ashamed. be proud. says who?

cultural loves to tell you how to feel, what to think and what to believe. Make these fucking choices for yourself. People fuck. Its hard wired into your nervous system. Get over it. Not just OTHER people's nervous systems, YOUR nervous system. re-production. How many of you own a sex toy? What was the most perverted fantasy you ever had? Whats the most disgusting thing you've ever wanted to do to another person?

Assuming you can admit your own humanity and not conform to a billboard impersonation of what it means to be a person (hint: wearing old spice doesn't make you a man) you realize that theres all kinds of fucked up shit lingering around in your inner conscious experience that are...shall we say...disturbing?

Rule number 1: The truth should always be disturbing. Thats a buddhist quote, i think.

Psychonautical.

A whole conscious exists out there that you have failed to explore. Reach in your shadow, your true identity lies there. Heart of Darkness.

Pogue Colonel Marine, what is that button on your body armor?
Private Joker: A peace symbol, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Where'd you get it?
Private Joker: I don't remember, sir.
Pogue Colonel: What is that you've got written on your helmet?
Private Joker: "Born to Kill", sir.
Pogue Colonel: You write "Born to Kill" on your helmet and you wear a peace button. What's that supposed to be, some kind of sick joke?
Private Joker: No, sir.
Pogue Colonel: You'd better get your head and your ass wired together, or I will take a giant shit on you.
Private Joker: Yes, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Now answer my question or you'll be standing tall before the man.
Private Joker: I think I was trying to suggest something about the duality of man, sir.
Pogue Colonel: The what?
Private Joker: The duality of man. The Jungian thing, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Whose side are you on, son?
Private Joker: Our side, sir.

See, I'm not just rambling. I actually put a little thought into what I'm saying. But don't worry no matter how twisted and socially repugnant my thoughts get...I'm still on our side....

...If only boundaries existed...You ever read about Indra's Net?....that's another story though and I'm still rolling with this angst trip so, once more, be here now.

What was I saying? Oh, right.

Your discomfort is irrational and constricting. This isn't about shock value either. Seriously. Shock value just reinforces boundaries as far as im concerned--it only makes you feel the boundary more intensely than usual by generating irrational gut reactions because someone has been..."offended"

no.

"They" weren't offended because "they" aren't even a real person. Just a series of jumbled and arbitrary perceptual judgements about a world they entirely fail to understand not even due to fear but rather, comfort. the person inside was never even given a chance to form an opinion because the quick lash to judgement due to cultural operating.

Its comfortable to know how life is and what its all about. Its easy to be lulled into a state of ignorant bliss...replace bliss with carnal stimulation.

Fuck that. Look past yourself. Be confused. Feel confused. Look past how you see the world. Question shit you've been told about life, about death, about sex, and about your own thought process. Every person is different and everyone sees things differently. Stop pretending like shit that the cultural mind implicitly tells you to care about is actually important and form your own opinion on your own experience. Its your life. There is no objective experience beyond the individual. The sooner we realize that the sooner we can liberate the human spirit or whatever the hell you want to call it.

Some people liked to fuck horses. they put it on a temple, several hundred times...hand carved, that takes time, effort and careful consideration. no accident. Cultural relativity. Are you experiencing life or a filtered version of what you have been told is and isn't appropriate?

I'm not necessarily suggesting fucking a bunch of horses but rather for you to look at how you react to the world and yourself. Why do you feel this is wrong and really attempt to see outside your reality? What if you were this person or that person from this cultural or this country? Why do you feel this is appropriate and this isn't? and isn't it odd that what you think is wrong is okay in other times and places? does such a thing as right and wrong exist? whose in charge of my life? have i been lying to myself?

God is dead said nietzsche, meaning, absolute ideals on how to live and how to be are gone. be who you are. first you got to find your true self but thats a whole other debate..

You might just look at me as a drugged out perverted lunatic with severe neurosis but at least I said what I felt and what was on my mind. I truthfully place that above any social standing, honor or reward...Whats the word I'm looking for? oh yeah, honesty.

"show me the face that you hide"

My hesitation in posting this comes from this feeling that I'm just standing up and yelling at the mirror. but whatever, sometimes that happens. Even Jesus beat the shit out of some people when they attempted to spread the infection of capitalism into the church...which...at that time had elements of spiritual purity even i will admit.

Now, the church and capitalism are the two dudes of the khajuraho temple busting a nut and we're the chick receiving the load. Get off your knees for christ's sake....See, it all ties together.

"Cause if you're 555 I'm 666"

END RANT...I need a job where all I do is rant...

anyway. Time to Visit Varanasi...5,000 year old city. Arguably the holiest city on earth. where hindus come to die and be publicly cremated. I can smell the bodies already....makes me hungry...

We arrive. Our hotel overlooks the ganges. Rooftop, quite beautiful. Its quiet near the river. Something I appreciate because using a horn substitutes for car blinkers in India. There are these large stone steps that go down to the ganges river called Ghats which run all up and down the city river bank and each one is like an address for a certain part of the city. I conceptualize the city in layers sort of:

1.) The Ganges- hindus believe the water has holy power to cure ailments...Considering the amount of blood, shit, human body parts, and industrial waste thats dumped into this place I would think twice before taking a drink. but different strokes for different folks. relativity and context are important here. bullshit can lead to some fucked up cultural practices...

2.) the Ghats- used for bathing, chilling, getting a boat and poojas which are hindu holy ceremonies which i find to be a little too loud. after 50 minutes of perpetual cowbell it runs me thin

3.) Alleyways (a labyrinth reminiscent of pirates of the Caribbean ride...I truly am ignorant...*shakes head*) being in the alleyways is like going into a never ending walk-in closet...except you have motorbikes whizzing by, dogs, goats, chickens, shops, opium dealers, all kinds of fecal matter from bird to human and the place smells like ten thousand different things at once. street food, holy cows, holy cow pies, and beggars with limbs twisted anywhere from 30 to 270 degrees in the wrong fucking direction. I saw one dude where his leg literally was pulled back so far it was over his shoulder like he screwed up doing a quadricep stretch hardcore....feelings.....emotions....I don't hate on western medicine if you haven't noticed....only western psychological medicine...but thats another rant i dont feel like getting into...

The alleys are sick. I spent like 8 hours just walking through them being completely lost over the course of three days and loving it.

4.) The main road. There is traffic. There is bad traffic. There is bad city traffic. There is insane traffic. Then there is Indian traffic, which tops all those combined. To understand this you have to experience it. Everyone agrees. I won't write about it because, go see it.

First day: My friend Kyle and I head to the ghats in the old city (our hotel is further south at Asi Ghat) so we get a rickshaw and get dropped off and head into the alleys. Like stepping back in time, you know the drill by now. Its India, its an alleyway, its a 5,000 year old city, its fucking wild.

We walk towards the ghats for about 25 minutes and then all of the sudden there is TONS of wood and I slow down and look to Kyle in a confused, concerned manner and we keep walking. Then, thick grey smoke floods over us when we turn the corner. There are tons of people and the river is exposed. I quickly realize what this and look over at Kyle and go, "This is where they burn the bodies..."

So we climb up this muddy staircase (interesting to note there are lots of dirty little puppies around here like the size of your foot curled up sleeping...weird place to sleep but anywhere in India is weird to sleep...I've seen people, cows and dogs passed out in the middle of roads so whatever...) and we come to a balcony. At this point smoke is pillaring over us and I look over and see the fresh corpses burning on the funeral pyre.

I realize, shit, I'm inhaling all of this. bodies man, bodies...I'm still trying to figure out how many corpses I inhaled..My guess is a solid 6-8 until I used my bandana as a face cover like a desperado or some western bandit.

We watched as the corpses burned and the families prepared the bodies next to be burned

Fun Facts: 300 bodies burned a day. Burning goes on 24/7. All public. Women not allowed near the fire, we broke that rule...stupid...but it was straight, just a thing for future note not to do...600 acres of forest used up a day..Men are wrapped in white, women in color. if you die there you become enlightened (so they say).

The families carry the bodies into the water first and man, does a lot of blood seep out. like buckets full. water turns red like a shark attack. its weird too because the family members are wading in all this, blood stains doesn't it?....not to mention the several hundred people bathing like 75 yds down stream...india man...

Also, water buffalo feel right at home right near the burning ghats and chill in the water where all the bodies are dunked into. the stray dogs like the warmth from the flames too i think.

Crazy place. Nowhere else in the world will you see shit like this. I encourage you all to go.

We go on a boat ride seeing all of Varanasi's ghats from the ganges. Stunning. Beautiful. Life Changing. all that shit. My two favorite parts (because I'm me so its, you know..) was first when our boat captains (I guess we'll call them that, dudes on a boat seems more fitting) had to each take a piss. Word--Me too. So we all get out (3 of us) and piss on the ghats in front of my entire class of 18 and our professor + the assistants. feelsweirdman. I finished last and it was a little weird having everyone watch me do this but public defecation is common site here so you try to shed the cultural skin and honestly no one gave a shit.

Second favorite part was sitting on this old wooden rickety boat and feeling something big and creepy crawl up my leg. not cool... I lift my leg from the floor and straight up there was a cockroach at least 3 inches long on my leg. It was fucking big. Like the bats, I didn't panic even though I felt like it and i honestly just let it chill on my leg for like 10 seconds freaking the girls out next to me. feelshilariousman. but then it falls off my leg like a jackass before i could snap a picture and one of our assistants flicks it into the river. easy come, easy go they say.

The sensation of bugs crawling all over me persists for several minutes. not cool. this freaked me out. i played it cool but i was churning inside. this thing belonged in the cretaceous period or at least in the zoo...maybe even my soup...wait, no. definitely bar-b-q, well its India, s0 Tandoori with butter naan...butter naan is so good i could eat a million cockroaches so long as they were wrapped in butter naan...but only if there's salt, fuck that non-salt bullshit. im not all about that.

We come back. I go back to the burning ghats, alone, at night. Cause, like, Ima fuckin' expert you know? *leans back with hands up*

I used to live in New Jersey, remember?

Good idea, right? No. A crazy situation occurs here which I can't talk about publicly. I'll let your minds wander into those dark places reserved for nightmares as to what I could have been up to but don't stress over it (seriously mom), its more funny than anything else. Its just not something that needs to be discussed over the internet. Ask me when I see you in person and I'd love to tell you about. Facebook does not suffice.

don't you just love the nectar of anticipation...or is it the batter acid of anticipation? its like asking how long a piece of string is...context.

But there was one cool part I can talk about. I walked all the way down to the funeral pyre so I was like three feet from the bodies. Some guy leans over and asks about me and he's really friendly and tells me his dad is being burned right now and he was really chill. Sharing that experience with him was really deep. Flickering corpses in the moonlight reflecting of the ganges...how poetically disturbing.

i actually wasn't bothered by corpses at all. the intellectualization of it was shocking but i was just like hmm, bodies...cool...no emotional lurch like with the cockroach...take that as you will.

Death in India isn't death in america. Its public. Its not taboo. People bathe in the blood of their loved ones. I saw one family member pull down the garb covering a dead woman's face and put his camera phone two feet from her face and snap a shot. Okay..its all about the memories, right?

Death is like, something to be embraced, understood, and appreciated here. In america, it really exists behind closed doors in a lot of ways. This is a poor attempt of me trying to explain this contrast but make the trip over here and you'll see what I mean.

The body is an incarnation of the soul here, it isn't like an object of obsession like it is in the western world. its temporary here. time isn't linear in india. its cyclic. we are all incarnations of brahama or vishnu or whatever so its easier to let go of something like a corpse and see it as flesh and not an identity.

merrily merrily life is but a dream...

We go to Sarnath. Site of the buddha's first sermon. See artwork from B.C. at the museum and then talk about the 8 fold path in the deer park. We try to figure out how to stop being assholes to each other and find inner peace. We failed but good ideas were thrown around and I'm either becoming increasingly schizophrenic or coming closer to the experiencing divinity.

George Carlin said that one time he either ran over a sheep or a man wearing a sheep skin coat while driving but he never found out which because he didn't stop.

I don't know if those two things parallel at all but I'm not deleting it so we move on....

Every conversation I have with people here forces me to look deeper into myself and re-analyze the very foundations of self. I feel like everyday I'm putting a blowtorch to my soul. word up.

I'm looking for ego loss, boundary dissolution and paradigm shifts so long as the turmoil subsides into bliss...tiss all straight yo.

Diamonds form under pressure i hear.

like a rock in your shoe, the sore in your mouth, the cracking of your dry lips. suffer and struggle. life isn't easy.

There is a man by our hotel who sleeps on the streets and has a chained monkey. You don't know serenity till you know the companionship of a chained monkey I always used to never say...ever...after..

Speaking of fucking monkeys...Here's a crazy story...

Me and my pals Kyle and Louisa are trekking through the alleyways for a fifth time or something like that and after two hours of blindly following...well, nothing, we head for the ghats cause water is like, you know, serenity. I mean in the book Siddartha he just listens to the river and realizes time isn't real and achieves enlightenment so we we're in the right head space our totally gone. like i said divine or schizophrenic. a friend once told me about divine schizophrenics and i dont even wanna think about that shit.

sidenotes: I see a man carrying way too much stuff on his head take a step into dog shit and do a massive split and almost totally wipe out. hilarious. A cow pisses on me and louisa (not directly). not hilarious. why are these cows in these narrow alleyways anyway? I touch a water-buffalo. They're likethe top ten deadly animals when wild but when tame they're chill. but storm-ji my professor informed me a friend of hers was thrown 15 feet by one so you know... whatever. but these things wander in the street like right next to you. death and life. life and death. samsara. its all close here--too close? nahi (no).

anyways. back to fucking monkeys. We start walking and I've seen monkeys on this trip but they've always been from a distance and ive seen like 40 total. Well, that changed quickly. We come to the alley way to get the ghat in site. Problem is there are probably anywhere from 70 to a 100 monkeys in the alley, on the alley, within the alley, up, above, down, and around the alley. We are surrounded by monkeys---a monkey gauntlet if you will. my god.

The three of us walk in. I lead the pack. I'm scared, no, like, im really scared. Monkeys suck, man. They make noise. I panic. I don't know if they came after us or each but they freaked the fuck out in aggression and went crazy. we sprint back in a combination of laughter and screaming. The dudes on the houses are watching us. they laugh and tell us its safe to go back. I think two picked a fight or something and we were between them.

If you've ever seen Alfred Htichcock's The Birds then you can recall that great final scene when the people leave the house and go to the cars after being attacked for hours and there is that eerie, terrifying calmness of the birds perched everywhere surrounding the people just watching...capable of striking at any moment....

That was us with monkeys. I was terrified. Dude, they were just fucking everywhere. They were 12 inches from my face and like, I mean, from my face, on both sides. Once we got through the gauntlet I relaxed and the monkeys became more like squirrels than anything else but those few moments were scary as hell. My chest tightened up real hard.

I see a monkey without a leg. Monkeys aren't always funny.

We chill on the ghat watching the ganges flow by with ceremonial flowers, candles and jumping fish coming occasionally into sight. Several people come up to us who can't speak english well but we managed somehow, thanks to kyle, to discuss the size of several of the monkey's testicles as well as George Bush's and Obama's.

sidenote: everyone here chews this red tobacco shit thats disgusting and after seeing several red drops of liquid on my shirt i realized i caught a couple spats from a bike rickshaw guy...man, white t-shirt...not cool...

back to the people we met...For as little hindi as we know and as little english as they knew, we certainly shared a lot of laughter.

Vernassi is really a magical place. Magical world--Bassnectar remix anyone? Chilling on a roof top in varnassi listening to tranquil bass music watching the ganges float by. how are you going to beat that? tough to match id argue.

I have to go back to Sarnath for my end of the year project where I go on a buddhist pilgrimage so I will probably stay in Varnassi hopefully. we had a lecture there and our lecturer said the best amount of time to spend in varnassi is several lifetimes...even that may not be enough...

Where to next...Ah, excellent. Bodh Gaya. The holiest site for Buddhists and the site of Buddha's enlightenment under the famous bodhi tree. First day sucks. no sleep and can't think. Learning to judge lest you be judged and all that..

Second day, I understand why people come there and I realize how utterly amazing it is that im sitting at this location several feet from where buddha found enlightenment.

theres a lot of that in india. you forget the magnitude of some of things you're experiencing and then you remember and it feels like well, you know.

A monk, when I ask him if it has been difficult being a monk since you were 7 tells me, "well, being human is difficult" but then we had to part ways and I didn't get to ask him more. I'm coming back here again so maybe I'll transcend the illusionary clutches of my voracious ego, open my third eye, escape the false duality and experience oneness with the void--or maybe I'll just go there and hear some cool shit and remain emotionally distraught and angst ridden.

its all the same in the end.

Good news is that if death is an illusion like everyone keeps telling me then all i have to do is be patient and if i dont get it in this life i get in the next one. patience would be the ultimate virtue. good things come to those that wait.

So I come back home expecting to chill the hell out after all this mind blowing nonsense and it turns out theres two german kids living here for the week. I just got done eating dinner with them. They speak english but not very well.

I go to the temple for like 5 minutes with the two of them and my homestay dad. One Indian, two germans and an American.

Weird man, cultural relativism. we're so similar and yet miles apart with stuff. people are people but cultures divide the hell out of us in interesting ways. what does it all mean? idk.

I go to Jaipur this weekend and then Kolcatta on monday for five days.

I never stop moving it seems. Peace.

"come pick up the pace, pick up the pace, go!"