We went down to the cremation ghats the other day. It was quieter and more relaxed atmosphere than the cremation ghats in Varanasi where it seems like the world itself is being tossed into the flames due to the chaos of Indian culture. People in Nepal are way way more mellow and the culture is toned down ten levels--I'm happy about this. I realize I've been wired into a state of constant alertness, ready for someone to get in my face from traveling in India. Nepalese people let you be to a greater degree and I appreciate this after five months in India. I mean, I still see child beggars, decaying, homeless lepers without noses, fingers, and toes...bleeding dogs with diseases and other pleasant things of that nature but it is more relaxed than India. Anyway, so we sat down and watched an old man's body be prepared for cremation for close to an hour. His family was crying. It was a slow ceremony. I realized, sitting down on the thousand year old stone of a crumbling temple, watching half-naked sadhus conduct a ceremony that pre-dates the biblical ages on one of the subcontinent's holiest of rivers surrounded by the world's tallest mountains that--well I don't think it gets more profound than this. Like the elements could change and you could go somewhere else and see something else equally amazing--but the energy that emanates through the environment into your mind is more or less the same. This is about as good as it gets. Of course, I haven't been into the mountains yet so we'll see what thats like. But its like the holiest of holy places and theres a dead body right in front of me and people crying over him and this thought with extreme emotional emphasis of, "this isn't fucking america" kept going through my head/heart, like, welcome to Asia--enjoy your stay.
Its that moment though where you sort of start to see whats actually going on and you want to jump and you know its safe but you know if you, do thats it--and that miniscule hesitation at leaping towards the unknown is enough to let the window close. But once you've see the window open you realize there is no going back--you need to jump sooner or later and its only a matter of time. It might not happen in this lifetime or even the next but sooner or later--its going to happen. Its a good feeling. Its frightening but its good. I imagine playing in the super bowl is somewhat like this. Its like holy shit but at the same time--this is it. Of course, there is always next year's super bowl and there is always next life time--I mean, where are you going to go? You are already here. That feeling though, it reminds me why everything that has happened thus far hasn't been a big humiliating mistake and there is something boiling--I just kind of want to get it over with but naturally it doesn't work that way. I very well could be coming home in six months twice as confused as to when I left for Asia. Well see what happens...
Instead of watching the super bowl tomorrow morning (time change, you know), I will be watching the public cremation of a high Tibetan Buddhist Lama who died recently. There is this big ceremony--it won't take place at the ghat though because thats a Hindu thing--it will instead take place probably at a monastery. Should be interesting. However, I am a Packers fan so its bittersweet.
Love the line, "where are you going to go. You are already here?" G
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